I MET A VAMPIRE
Testimony Given to the Police Department of the Township of Hooligan, Gizzard County
Tonight I met a vampire. And I know this for absolute sure, this time. I was going home later than usual, a little after dark, and decided to cut across the park in the middle of town. It’s faster that way. I just barely had time to make my appointment with the cable guy. It was real hard to get the appointment for after six, and I was no way gonna miss it. Another week without Idol just wasn’t something I was willing to face. It’s such a cool show. Do you watch it?
Sorry, ok, I’ll go on.
I had just come to the part of the path where there are those big, tall trees on both sides, that kind of crowd into the pathway, you know? Anyway, I almost walked right up to him, he was just there. I think he appeared or something, you know how they do.
He was just there. He was standing in the path, not walking or anything, I couldn’t walk past him without saying somethin. So I said, “Hey, how ya doing?” and he didn’t answer me. He may have been standing still, but I was walking, so I was getting closer and I was starting to worry that something was wrong, maybe he was deaf. I didn’t want to hurt the guy’s feelings. So I thought I’d get closer and smile, nod, something friendly like that.
It’s weird enough to run into someone you don’t know here, nobody comes to this town that doesn’t have people here, unless it’s like a Keebler delivery man or something. And this guy was no delivery man. So I wanted to be really friendly, make a good impression. I think that’s real important and....
What? Oh, okay.
He was a little taller than average, about like Bob Clem over there, maybe six one or two. Wearing black pants, nice, not like work pants, and a blue shirt. I’m not sure what silk looks like, but I think it might have been silk. It was really smooth.
But that was later on. He looked kinda like he worked out, big and strong, you know? And his hair a little long and had these curls that fell over his forehead. But not girly, no not girly at all.
I’ll try to tell this how it happened though. I kept walking and when I got close I couldn’t get past him on the path without him moving or me stepping into the trees. And I was no way going off into that dirt in my nice work outfit, It was brand new, and cost a lot,. If it went into them trees I was going to snag my hose for sure, and my shoes would be beat all to hell, heck, well beat bad.
So, one of us had to move. And I said “Excuse me, would you please step over so I can pass?” as polite as you could ever imagine. And he still didn’t say anything. But he looked at me. And his eyes were amazing. They were dark brown, I think, or maybe black. I don’t think he blinked at all. And then I couldn’t move. I saw him coming toward me, and I didn’t mind at all.
Fact, I was so happy that I walked right up to him, wrapped my arms around his neck and planted one on him, right on the lips! You all know me, known me all my life. I don’t kiss strangers, at least I didn’t til then. He made me do it. I ran my hands down his back over that silky shirt, and pressed the whole front of my body into his, there was no open space between us. And he didn’t say nothing, but he kissed me back, hard, and it felt good. I know he had me under some sort of mind control, because I woudn’t ever be standing in the park kissing some stranger, and I sure as heck wouldn’t have done what I did next.
I asked him back to my place. I did, as bold as you please. I said, “Come with me now,” and I reached for his hand, and grabbed it, and pulled him along the path til we got to the little bridge. Now, I hear tell that flowing water is a problem for some of them, but he crossed right over that bridge, or maybe it was holy water I was thinking of, I don’t know. But whatever, he came with me out of the park, and walked across First Street
That’s another reason I think what I do, he didn’t come in til I said to. I hear they have to be invited in. And he came in and stuff and then he left before morning. That’s it, that’s what happened.
Oh, I’m sorry. You need details? I don’t really want to tell all that stuff, it’s embarrassing, even though I know it all happened because I was under his spell. But I know it’s important, for the record and all, so I’ll tell you. Or can’t I just write it down? No? Okay. I’m gonna need some water to drink before I go on. And maybe a bathroom break?
Okay, where was I? Yes, I asked him into my house. I guess that’s important because they can’t come in otherwise, right? Anyway, I told him to come in and sit right down on the davenport. And he did. And I set right down next to him, close up. I couldn’t stop looking into those eyes. I hadn’t turned on any lights and it was kind of dim in the living room, but it looked like those eyes were lit up from inside, almost like a fire deep inside. And he finally said something to me. He said, “Who are you?” and I knew he wanted me.
I leaned into him and wrapped those long, strong arms around me and pulled me real tight against that soft, soft shirt. It was blue, I think, pretty sure. The streetlight coming through the window made the silk a little shiny, that’s another reason I said I thought it was silk? It’s shiny isn’t it? I don’t have anything silk. I did have that nylon shirt, it was soft and... oh, I’m sorry, I get a little distracted sometimes. The next thing I knew, he had magicked me into taking him into my bedroom. I would never do anything like this, except I was under his spell, you understand.
So we started kissing again, and hugging and I unbuttoned his shirt and he put his hand down the front of my top and we kept on kissing. He was real warm, they aren’t supposed to be warm, are they? And he ran his tongue right down the side of my neck, and I waited and waited.
No, he didn’t bite me. I thought he would. I was sure he would. Why else would he put me under his spell like that. But he didn’t He just kept kissing me and finally I said, “What’s wrong? Not good enough to bite?” and he looked up.
He looked right at me with those brown lit up eyes and lied. “I wouldn’t bite you,”
he says to me. “You looking for someone to bite you?”
“ I know what you are!” I said. “You magicked me here with those eyes of yours and now you gotta bite me and bring me over. We’ll be together forever!”
And I swear, I never seen nobody run so fast! He jumped off the davenport tripped over the coffee table, and made for the front door Didn’t even say good-bye. And I know why, too. Once he knew I was onto him, he had to go. He knew I’d run right down here and tell you all and he’d be in big trouble. If I could escape, that is. And if he didn’t make me one of them. I guess a good, upstanding woman like me can’t be one. But he could have tried couldn’t he? .
So tonight I met a vampire. But he got away.
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